Authenticater (Answer to 'WHO ARE YOU') - Publicised April 4th, 2023

 I am Manas. I am 33 years old, born in Athens, Georgia, United States. Son of Richard Winfield, a philosophy professor, and Sujata Gupta Winfield, an immigration lawyer. I am a middle child, with a sister 3 years older (Kalindi), and a brother 3.5 years younger (Rasik). I come from a privileged background. I never suffered from hunger growing up, and have never lacked anything materially that I would need. As a child, I was very shy, and had low self-esteem. I grew up feeling I was ugly, and even when family members or family friends would complement me as adorable or handsome, I did not believe them. As a child, I was told I was gifted and put into the advanced classes at school. On standardized tests we took as children, I was told I was in the 99th percentile based on test scores. This made me feel that I was expected to succeed in life, and I think teachers may have even said this to me, suggesting I would make a good living or at other times, take on leadership positions. I excelled in studies, as far as grades would suggest, and before dropping out of my high school, I was 3rd in my class. However, studies always came easy to me, though I put in full effort in any homework, essay, or exam assignment, I did not seem to need to study as much as others to get the high grades that I got. For this reason, for a long time I felt I had a poor work ethic, as I felt I succeeded by doing the bare minimum in terms of hours spent or effort given in studies. As I was growing up, I felt a sense of otherness, or feeling like I didn't belong anywhere. This was probably related to my mixed, half-White American, half-Indian identity, and feeling like I wasn't exactly similar to my peers either in America or my family in India. As I became an adolescent in America, I didn’t talk much about India as most people didn't seem to interested in learning about it, and I take it most people assumed I was White American, as my appearance allows me to pass as. My feelings of otherness or alienation, I think, were also related to a feeling that I never had a strong, consistent friend group throughout my childhood. Even to this day, I feel I struggle to maintain friendships and wonder how so many people I felt connected to and shared good times with have become so distant in the time since I've spoken to them. I used to feel I was always the one contacting my friends first, and now I have stopped doing that as much with a lot of friends not contacting me first either. I have always been curious, though that is something I think we all share as humans, but I have never been shy to ask questions. I was never afraid to look stupid by asking the wrong question, and in school and college, I would often ask detailed questions of the teachers. I am learning that there is a lot I can learn by sitting back and observing first, and also that many people don't necessarily enjoy to feel like they are being interrogated in a conversation, or mined for information/knowledge. Growing up, I had a difficult relationship with my parents. As a small child, I remember telling my dad I wanted to kill him and throwing temper tantrums that would lead to me crying so much I would start coughing. As an adolescent and young adult, I continued to have a terrible temper, though only reserved for the people closest to me. I feel I have for a long time lived a double identity, with people who know me more casually or friends sometimes saying they could never imagine me angry, as my demeanor at default with most people is polite, quiet, kind, funny, soft-spoken, and calm. Growing up in school I was often a class clown, finding joy in making other people life. In middle school and high school, I was also a bully in making fun of people, often for their vulnerabilities, in a way that was funny for me and maybe others around but not for that person. As I grew older, I began to feel guilty for having been this way and have made an effort to avoid speaking negatively about anyone, whether to their face or behind their back. Guilt is an emotion I have felt very strongly throughout my life, perhaps stemming from the incidents with my Amma where she would bang her head out of frustration at my antics, which neither of to this day seem to remember. In high school I had my first romantic relationship, which only lasted 2 weeks. I told her I loved her and soon after she dumped me with no explanation, which seemed to bring me into a state of depression until the beginnings of my first manic episode in October 2006, when I woke up one day suddenly feeling at peace and happy. Around that time is when I first started considering spirituality, having been raised with no religious identity or any religious community. I took a comparative religions class in high school and started seriously imagining or "trying on" the doctrines of each major world religion we learned about as well as becoming interested by meditation and other forms of altered states of consciousness. My sense of having become enlightened that October developed into a manic episode, conflict with my parents, psychosis, disorganized behavior, and a trip to the mental hospital in January 2007 as I was found naked with the wooden slats of my parents' bed around my head and neck as I was screeching like a penguin. The recognition that I was mentally ill and not enlightened was a slow and painful process, and came along with a dullness to my personality and facial expressions that concerned my mother, who was not sure whether it was my personality, the effects of the illness, the dosage of my medicines, etc. Throughout my life I have had this double or even multifaceted aspect to myself, of being shy and talkative, reserved and flamboyant, quiet and the center of attention, jokester and serious inquirer all in one. As well as, the aspects of myself which I struggle with the  most, my violent behavior during episodes and on several occasions when I had become angry when I was sane- and the intense guilt that came along with it. My desire to be good and the recognition that I have a dark side. My struggles with self-control of my anger during my childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood, and my desire to be loved. The hurt I have caused other people, and my desire to help others, which perhaps manifested in my going into social work and becoming a therapist. My feelings of inferiority and low self-esteem, living side by side a secret sense of superiority (the identity of being someone labeled "highly intelligent"), wanting to hide any sense of being better than anyone while also wanting to combat the negativity I have felt towards myself. Though I was very shy during childhood and quiet in high school and college, even though with friends I could be very funny and excitable, as I've gotten older I've become more of an extrovert. However, as I've had more frequent mental health episodes (about yearly now), my expressiveness seems to dull during the aftermath of mania and psychosis and ramp back up until the next episode. I feel I have matured in not being as impulsive as I used to, and my job as a therapist may have played a big role in me being more cautious with what I say, as I think about how it may affect the other person before I speak. I write poetry, play 4 musical instruments (piano, drums, guitar, and tabla), enjoy drawing, and have in the last year or two begun to express myself through singing and dancing. However, I feel a mental block come on me sometimes and still struggle to perform music, sing, and dance in front of other people. I have challenged myself by performing my poetry on stage in the last few years but still get stage fright and end up shaking with my voice wavering on occasion. I have become much more confident as a speaker, again in large part due to my job as a therapist and facilitator of group counseling sessions, but still struggle to feel confident when it comes to entering into romantic relationships. I shift between thinking myself desirable (mostly based on having been given compliments over the years about my appearance, which has reversed my thoughts of being ugly that I had as a child), and unwanted as I feel awkward when approaching women I feel attracted to. Though, when I think about my three previous serious relationships, they all developed easily and naturally and took their own time (meaning that I may be impatient when it comes to expecting romance to develop right away). I find myself falling for women I find attractive fairly easily and scattering my attention on many women at once who I feel something for. I was told once by a young woman I met at a bar that I reminded her of someone she knew who is on the autism spectrum, in that I did not notice when women were into me. This does seem to be an ability I lack- sensing and knowing when and when not a woman is interested in me. I also struggle to make romantic advances, preferring instead to befriend or talk casually, not flirtatiously, while building a relationship with a woman I desire. I struggle to say the right thing or make the first move to let someone I like know that I am interested, though maybe they are already aware from my non-verbal communication. I have spent a lot of time fleshing out what I see as my weaknesses on this page, but I do acknowledge I have grown a lot over the years, while making plenty of mistakes along the way. I do not fear social situations, I do not experience acute anxiety like I once did, I tend not to wallow in sadness and regret as much as I used to, I developed a better work ethic with each passing year working, I have developed a more nuanced perspective of my parents and accepted them for their flaws more than before, I have gotten slightly better at letting go (as my separation from my wife vs. first serious girlfriend shows), and I have become more mature in social situations (no longer impulsively jumping in with off-color or shocking jokes, no longer desiring to make people feel uncomfortable, becoming patient in group settings, and honoring romantic bonds already in place more respectfully). Intellectually, I have developed slowly but surely by reading spiritual texts from Hinduism, Buddhism, and being open to learning about Western religions more than I ever was growing up. Though I don't read as regularly as I want, or consistently spend my time productively, I have made peace with the situations I am in in life and don't feel the constant pressure and regret of not being productive like I used to. This may mean that I have become completely aimless, but emotionally I tend to feel in control. One criticism I have heard from my most serious partners is that I am a thinker but not a doer, or even that "all I am is pretty words." I still struggle with this one, as I get lost in thought, words, aspirations, listening, observing, without taking the action that practical life requires. If there is anything I would like to change about myself, it is this.

For All of Us, because of i and u, actually

 Wed Apr 12th 2023 [edited 20/8/2025 21:01]

Amar daDa hain Bhojupuri

Amar DiDi hein sirf ek

Amar Kalindidi hain yeh Yamuna

Aur Ganga bhi milte hai

Lekin Hooghly kabuli bulti nahi

Ki Uma Shankar gadi chala te thein

Un Brahmin peenevale ke pehle, Madhushala main mere Nana milte thein

Mere Mama ki Bhaabi Parsi thi aur Zoroastrian hain,

Mere Cyrus Tata guytar sekhaye,

Mere Maasterji ke Guruji ke spondilitis tha,

Aur mere Master ke paas una laathi,

Mere Mukherji Chatterjee building ke pass chalte nehein

Amitava<->Amitabha ban gaye,

Unke beti bhi tabla vali hain, aur unke Maji gaana gaatibhi

Mere Mansrovar Colorado na jaati hain,

Mere Lake Kailash Saat thaal ke chhaute Nanitaal goomalenge,

Pahad ke upar, baahon ke neeche,

Akaash Pataal, Parivaar ke peeche, Periyar se neeche

Pariyavachi ne sikhaye 10 kiladi Outram Street ki,

Ki juta upar mat karna, yeh to Skool Time tha.

Na na na NAO AB~ Apna time Aya Hain!

Ham toh ASMAAN ke niche naate thein,

Mere bhai behen bhai duj na maante the,

Lekin Amar sahelis pura Sahara dekte thein,

Zee TV, Star Sports, Doordarshan hamne toh baniyein

Ram ne ek aank milake Arjun se aur bhi bole:-> teer mere hiranyagarbarlokas chunaa...

Mat.

[Enter Sour Grapes, as heard through the Vinefields]:

"I’ll smite you motes to smithereens. If you don’t respect Mr. Smithers’ grins.

Eggcellent shy and one short of an omelot. 4 eggs scrambled and aloo begun burned. I’ll watch you if you want to take a turn. I’ll spin you this side of Matura, I’ll pin you Pittsburgh GameLaGaNaana. Ye?

I haven’t seen La La Land but I know it’s the better movie. For imagination knows no bounds and you’re a spurious infinit. Infinit-I self determines me and myself, mirene, and Irami.

For I didn’t stay at home for school, main toh safarnama kar liya

Ab mere ghar aane ka time aaya hain. Aur Lara mere Tendulkar aayega. Shane Warne ko puchiye Sachin Baby kaun? Aur Sanath se puchna Brian Lara hain kahan?

Garry Sobers 365*, Brian Lara 375* Fixed that for you 501*(3)c, now 400* Bradman couldn’t beat.

Call me Maan. Call me Yemaan. But don’t forget my Sabanite. The Thompson paranoiacs don’t know Clarke Middle and flea from CCHS (they called it Dark Central, they called it Crack Central, but to us it was a home away from home). Classic City brings you back and Xzibit will send you West. Fabolous and Hot Boyz will bring you tea, Modi ji will show you off once alloos burnt to a crisp. Pakodi vali banaati Tempura, ek taraf doosri taraf Japani Quest Mall plaza. Metro Plaza, AC Market, Vardaan Market. Mere ghar ke kinaara. 

Ayega hamara security very good. Inka naam hain Barosa Biswas. Aur agarbati light na hua. Aarya Samaaji, tum ko svast zarur banayenge. ham swastik hain aur swastika nahin- duh?!

Dariye mat Naniji se, sharmayie mat, yeh toh mere dada joh thai very Student. Dariye mat mere Nana se, woh toh Siddhartha Gautama ki maut fehle dekliya the. Chor ko bulo ya bolo, main tum ko maroonga, lekin pehle chori ko marloongi, tum batao ab kaunsi yogi? Kyonki koy time nahi hain apne Brooklyn khel ke liye, yeh doctor saheb ne pee li. 

Meri Nani jabalA Baitali ke saat banayi thi. Aur Amar Desmond Tutu bhi mile the. Amar Gandhiji ek aurat hain. Amar Nehru mehri behen. Amar Tagore meri beti hogi. Amar banyas amar jamadar. Amar banvasis hoyenge har President aur jaanvari ulta danga phaltu Rajas palatke palak kalaunga. Amar tamas hui Amar Didi ki bandh ke din. Amar Satvik bibi aao na. Koy treat nahi dehenge, sirf manas.

• Manas Siddhartha Sidney Gupta Yudien Musaddi Stern Lillian Lady Kusum Suresh Gautam Buddha Charles X Jayasuriya Ravanna Hancock Bradman

Dedicated to Ambedkar and Billie Holiday. A wonderful smoothie.

April 7th, 2023

For you, only

When we took our shoes the first time

At the temple gates

It was the beginning of water bending

And droplets in my hands

You felt my pain on phone call nights

But then all we did was moonshine under the light

We were not allowed entry within the walls

But we're allowed to stay until final call

You've made me better for what it's worth

And kept my wheels spinning beyond this earth

And shot me up and down the park street lights

If you've watched the bottom of my shoes

You know I got 40 licks and I've had the blues

The bottom right corner of my soles

On my right anklet extreme

Tell the story of uphill climbs

And a brittle statement that led to footstep screams

A passerby drove right on thru

And I would have been a dead bunny if not for you

I'll feed the children of Krishna, too

I'll home your animals like how I honor in my shoes

An uphill climb with a fleeting look

Of hopelessness and knowing an eternal muse

You art there for me in celestial orbit when I think of you

You are in my ears when I have nothing to do

You are in my heart from morning to start

You were at my family's mourning ritual

Of Karballah and Kusumpur and Kanpur, too

Of Noida, Murshidabad, and Dilli too

But kali peeli you bring me home

You sent me back in a plastic dome

For 500 rupees I paid the price

Of losing your respect into a motorcycle night

I would have walked the whole way back the first we met

If I'd known my lesson would be so long learned our second test

I walked back knowing not what I had lost

For in the sands of time you were not yet mine

But never-ending, mind, remind me, remember me

I'll be seeing you in familiar times

I'll be seeing you at the moonraker ride

The bumper cars, the bowling lines

The carousels of Saturday club

The stuffy halls of Cal Club bells

The bell hopping servants who inhabit my eyes

The sockets of my hips that tell no lies

The sockets of my eyes that accept your peers

To know you are peerless and I am deeply your dear.

With love,

For The one and only

Meri premi (original from Bengal)

 It's been so long

Since I've seen your face

It's been so long since Shankaracharya called me great

It's been so long since we pushed those cars

Up hills, down yonder, to our great beyond

It's been so long since I felt I could yawn

It's been so long since I've felt the dawn

It's been only once that I heard your song

You've never been alien to me

But all I know is I just don't feel free

Jab se aap ki aankhein mein palat gaye ham

Aur dhyaan me let gaye aur ek chalan kiya kadam

Woh ek parampara main kabhi bulunga nahi

Ki sati bilkul kharaab hai, kwhabon me

Aur zindagi na milti thi doobara

Aur dubhne vale ped, na ugte dubari

Aur koshish karoonga, mehnat ke saat

Ki ham phir milenge, aur tum bologi baat.