I wish you knew

I wish you knew

without any doubts of disloyalty

what I see in you

in your smiles, your dancing,

your childlike expressions of joy

that peak out from a heavy heart,

disappointment, somberness, rightful rage,

the hope to go on, to live forward

hope that you will bring me with you

through spaced-out oblivions

into your simple and clean

clarity of thoughts,

atheist blessings,

your recognition. 

you say I am not capable

or I lack the will

or the love

to reciprocate

but I could not bear to part with you

since before you were mine

though my wandering missteps

have brought us to the brink. 

I still have hope you will see in me

the commitment to chose you

again and again and again

to choose life itself and all its possibilities

my best friend, my wonder, my spirit guide,

my hope, my happiness, my love

older, wiser, as we shape each other

through new phases of life

sturdier manifestations of love,

letting go of a past that tormented me

for so long

to awaken to you each day

to be your refuge

to walk with you through your trials

hand in hand

to celebrate your victories

our revolutions

to have a front row seat for your accomplishments

and your failures

to watch you slice through the knots of your demons

to realize yourself

and your place in this world

you are my ultimate privilege

my fresh air, my Avatar

my freedom