Love, Dad

 Not being able to see my father on Father’s Day, 2023 (6/14/23):

This Father’s Day

I will continue to be removed

From the table where we would normally have shared a meal

My father and I

Along with my Amma

And even apart from a family video chat

With my brother and sister, too,

Due to having picked up a criminal charge

In the midst of mania

A molehill turned into a mountain, in my mind

Though a scary moment for dad, it must have been

Given our tumultuous past year

Which for me has been not much fun,

Not too easy, at all

Though I still am living off the kindness of my parents,

Dad included

And I do not suspect any enduring bad blood, from his side,

Though maybe my brother or sister feel I am getting off too easy

While they work to pay their bills.

This Father’s Day, I suppose

I will be preparing for a series of future Father’s Days

In which, I will not be seeing my father

Not be giving him the kiss on the cheek,

And hug, which I had planned the day I went to jail, instead.

An uncertain future for me, and Amma, and my brother and sister

Without Dad there at all

Unimaginable, unfathomable, as he has a way of

Running the whole show

In which we are evaluated from the level of authority

Of a distinguished philosopher,

Doing double duty as a loving dad.

This Father’s Day I wonder

Will my absence be felt in my father’s heart?

Am I any more to him than a nuisance?

As yet unable to stand on my own two feet,

As he suggests, each person ought to, or must, do,

In order to be free.

Well, my freedom feels handicapped,

By my own inability to live well

To be well

To sustain a livelihood

To sustain relationships

To patiently pursue my interests and hobbies

To focus on what is most important

All the things that my father has done my whole life,

And it seems, for the whole life he lived before I was ever born,

A 39 years expanse which has made it hard for me to understand

The workings of his being.

This Father’s Day,

I’ll sit around at home, alone

Maybe writing more poems for my father

Honouring his name and accomplishments

Feeling disenchanted now and maybe more sentimental then