Arriving

Walking up the stairs,

The same stairs I’ve hopped, skipped, and

Pondered over, most of the vacations of my life,

My mind flashed to the happy scenes of pre-marital bliss,

Those first co-vacations,

The occasions 

When photographs could not hide my joy,

My happiness, my

Gratitude—

Now bereft of

That source,

Who must be scattered far and wide even if self-contained,

Deep and vast and across dimensions,

As people of that caliber do not simply 

Vanish from this Earth,

Even if living subdued lives,

I know,

Her impact reverberates…

Now thinking of my late uncle,

Who barely would have made it to 28,

if not for a sudden eviction from our realm,

In the hands of my forevermore-scarred aunt,

Disappearing and appearing,

In the numbers of his death anniversary,

13/1,

The role number of my ex-wife when she was in school,

The number of test matches played by my favourite cricketer,

The hours and minutes spoken to my long-lost soul-friend,

When I first revealed my true self to another,

Who hit me with the shock of loss,

Forever numb,

Deaf and dumb,

When she chose to end her life…

Now sitting up in the bed,

That those dark stairs lead up to,

The room in which so much fun was had,

An idyllic childhood of monsoon summers

And dark moods pervading an otherwise

Beautiful life,

Filled with every privilege and experience one could ask for,

Debts impossible to pay back to parents,

For their long-suffering patience and 

Buoyancy of loving labor,

On we three kids’ behalf,

None the least for me,

And as I continue to live, 

Half-child, half-man,

Drawing spontaneously,

Letting these words flow out,

Thinking over and over and over,

Of bygone days,

Finding myself with the challenge of establishing

Myself

In this city,

Where we all suffer,

Though I suffer less still,

This City of Joy,

I embrace with open and patient arms,

Hoping for a prolonged hug with this unique civilisation,

Enough to keep me charged for another day,

Another year,

Another life,

Starting now.