Everyday of Life is MotherFarthersDays

 

Son to Mother, 2023 (two days belated)

Dear Ammaji

This year has been a process

Of learning to let go

Of grudges, animosities

And of course, ego

To settle into a comfortable relation with you

Where we are not at each others’ throats

Not taking up a challenge of

Putting down the others’ arguments

Or point of view

Both of us practicing the lessons

And coping mechanisms

Taught in the intensive outpatient groups

You’ve taken me to,

Half-asleep, me,

(If not you),

Knocking on my door each morning,

Waking me up,

Bringing me food,

As if, 

These are just things all mother’s do.

Spending hours upon hours together,

In all sorts of moods

With chemically imbalanced brain

And living in a secret world of thoughts

Known only to me

Yet feeling some strong connection

As if you knew,

Or know,

Something hidden from my view,

Or that you are my partner

In some plot to save the world,

Or to bring it down,

Or to redistribute its riches,

Fanciful indeed.

When really, we are simply dancing here,

Trying to traverse a gap In understanding.

You, coming from the sane world

Stepping into an unpredictable domain

Where you have been harmed many times before

By my madness,

Showing inestimable courage,

Seeing it as your duty as a mother,

When the hospitals do not take me in,

And left to myself I become a victim

Of disordered thoughts

And bizarre behaviour,

In private and in public,

To which you are completely beyond 

any embarrassment,

Simply wishing for me to be well

In whatever ways that it might feel like

Progress is being made,

When my fate feels so tenuous

That my life may be hanging by

The delicate threads of chance.

Let me stop here and take note of

Where we are right now:

Stable, in harmony

Our relationship better than its ever been,

My gratitude for you

Not leaving me for long.

My impetuousness receding,

I would like to stay here,

For as long as I can,

Admiring your virtues,

Forgetting any foibles

Not thinking in terms of forgiveness,

Not thinking in terms of guilt or blame,

Not judging you, anymore,

Moving forward,

Taking all you have given me,

And applying it steadily

Into my life.

Letting your obsessive care

Not bother me so much anymore,

Listening to your suggestions,

Without putting up any fight,

And ultimately deciding

On my own time,

But thinking of all you’ve learned before me

And putting my faith in you,

Dad,

Kalindi and Rasik,

Extended family and supporters,

Family friends,

And giving you all the love you deserve,

Taking a page out of your book,

Which by now is a whole saga, unwritten,

Of how to love people,

How to rejoice in life,

How to suffer with dignity,

And how to live a life,

No matter how incomplete,

Or unplanned,

With grace and simplicity,

Being okay with my lot,

And doing the best I can,

To accept myself,

As only you have

Up til now.